Love – Nina Lyon

Ladies. I want to share something with you that will change your life. It has changed mine. I am a very strong and beautiful woman. I have enormous reserves of energy and power. I glow with it. People often ask me my secret.

The story I want to share with you is a story of love. It is a story of enormous positivity and strength but, like all good stories, it contains a darkness, a moment of hitting rock bottom.

Love is a very powerful thing. It creates and it destroys. It is a transferable entity, a transitive force. It is fucking quantum. But, also: love can kill you. If you do not deploy the vast reserves of love the universe has provided for you correctly, it can make you weak and vulnerable. When you are weak and vulnerable, your body gets weak and vulnerable too. You may get fat. You will probably get sick. Cancer cells thrive on weakness and vulnerability, which is the basis of immunology. This is cold hard science.

I am going to tell you how to conserve your love – your power – and use it so that you can live, and live wisely. Listen hard. This is important shit. It is so important that I do not feel it appropriate to charge for it in this instance. I want to share my knowledge with you so urgently that, today, I am giving it away for free.

We are on our own in this world. It is dog eat dog, man eat man, woman eat woman. We can trust nobody. Love is a weasel word in this weasel world. I loved a man once and it was a terrible mistake, a terrible, ignorant, painful mistake. I am sure that most people here have shared that mistake and that pain and – this is important – I don’t judge you for it, and I don’t judge myself for it. We mustn’t judge, mustn’t, ever. There is so much work to be done and we must conserve our energy for that struggle.

Love is pain. Love is disgusting. Love is abjection. Never forget that: abjection. Love subjects us to the needs of others. To love is to be fucked in the ass by life. I am going to share with you the secret that will stop this from ever happening again, that will keep you from the relentless pain of slavery to the needs and impositions of others – of the Other. Because it doesn’t have to be like this.

People pathologise narcissism because they feel more comfortable being enslaved. They’re terrified of breaking the bonds of relationship, of being free. But ladies, let’s reclaim this word. Say it out loud: narcissism. Doesn’t it sound beautiful, really, deep down? Narcissism. We must move away from toxic thinking towards a more conscious and honest self-love. And we must see this self-love through to its logical conclusion. What we are talking about is self-love in its purest form. And it is truly radical.

When people talk about the patriarchy, I feel them, you know? They are right about it, up to a point. In truth, men are stronger. They discovered the secrets of self-love long before us.  They created a world in which extra-personal relationships existed only to bolster their status and power, to bear them things and bring them things. They taught their sons and their sons’ sons to be good at it, to stay safe. They created a culture in their own image, one in which their self-love predominates over all other sorts of love, and it is a true and wise and beautiful thing.

The time has come for the new order of things. Ladies, the world is changing. We are entering the Age of Aquarius and that has implications. What they called feminism had a function in all of this, but it was temporary: women had to get woke to the old ways of being in order to be free and disengage from it. They identified the problem but they fucked up with the solution. The feminazis do not – I repeat they do not – want you to be free. No – what they propose is far worse, a more bonded and codependent form of mass slavery than ever existed before. They propose a sick emotional communism and we must, must resist it at all costs. They will tell you that they care but they are the same as all the rest, only worse, extending their sick tentacles out to you, like they are reaching out, but with the evil intention of undermining your integrity and trapping you in their web. Do not fall for their dangerous communist slavery.

No, ladies. We are becoming woke because there is shit going down deep in our vibrational layers and it is growing our higher selves ready for this totally new and radically different order of being. If we are to actualise our higher selves, we must tear ourselves away from this life-sapping dependence on other people, these dark tentacular networks whose only function is to keep us where we are and, worse, bring us down to the level of fungi, which are scientifically proven to be the most networked and the least liberated of all microorganisms. The thing about networks is that, like a deep fungal rot, they start deep down where you cannot see it. Their ulterior motive only fruits, ready to dissipate its sick spores of slavery and evil, when it is already too late.

The key here, the most important of all the truths I want to share with you today, is about harnessing your sexuality. The sad true truth of womankind is that we fall in love with the people we share our sex with. Men do not suffer from this neediness in quite the same way. When my husband – and I will be honest here, the word still makes me feel an anger and a nauseous disgust – when he masturbated in front of the bathroom mirror in the shower every morning, which I knew he did because I could hear a swelling rhythmic grunt over the radio just as he turned it up a little louder and put the shower on max and I would then creep along the corridor to peer through the crack in the bathroom doorframe to see that the shower door was open, something I had long suspected from the sheer amount of water on the floor and the neighbours’ threats to sue about the damp below, and saw the arcs of droplets make their flight from pumping fist to floor, first clear and then thick and proteinaceous and hard to scrub from towels before the cleaner came – when he did that I respected his act of bathroom self-love. It had integrity. It was a pure and beautiful thing.

I would run downstairs and put the coffee on in double time to have that moment of quiet reflection beside the bathroom door, and I would serve him his coffee in the kitchen minutes later in the knowledge that he was a good and true man. Without fully understanding it at the time, you see, I had identified something very real and important and I would learn from his practice of bathroom self-love – a sacred practice, really – and I needed the catalyst to do that. And he soon provided – the universe provided – the catalyst for change. We must embrace change.

When terrible things happen it is so important that we find their gift. All catastrophes are a blessing. The worst things are really the best things – warfare, floods, all-consuming wildfires – because they clean out negative energies and catalyse change. When these big things happen it is usually because negative energies have been allowed in, and it is the universe’s way of healing that. One of the sneakier traps the socialised world likes to set – again, those tentacles, folks – learn to find them –  is to get us to care about how bad it is to get caught up in a war or whatever, and to feel pity, because they know those emotions weaken our self-resolve. Wise up to that. We should envy those is disaster zones. Conflict is beautiful. It is an agent of change. Gaze at those images on TV until you can feel the cosmic beauty emanating from them, the sheer overwhelming fucking energy. This is an important spiritual training in and of itself.

Anyway, my blessing was this: he was not whole enough in his self-love, for he fucked my best friend. Now, I want it to be understood that when I say friend here I do so in inverted commas, in brackets, even, bracketing it to one side so that we all understand that I am using not just “friend”, and not just (friend) but (“friend”) as a fake social construct, because “friendship” – even (“friendship”) is a lie, the biggest lie. All of it. All a lie.

Even so, I trusted the universe, and the universe had a plan for me. I saw that lie one morning when I arrived home a day early from a ten-day silent retreat. I had planned to stay for the duration but – again, this is cosmic benevolence in action – an entirely accidental mealtime incident had led to it being cut short and I had to leave, not so much because of the silly fake drama about the person getting injured – in French, by the way, to be injured is blessé, blessée, which I love – so much as the very urgent cosmic need to learn something about the world. Something that I share with you now.

It was very early when I got in. It was, in fact, shower time. This delighted me. I snuck in and put the coffee on and crept upstairs. Well – you know what happens next. What should have been a private ritual had been tarnished by the addition of another human being and the grotesque connection of spirit and body, the intermingling yuckiness of coition. And I saw it, suddenly, for what it was. Her tits, which were not a little saggy, bouncing up and down and dissipating water all over the room like a dog shaking out its shaggy coat as he fucked her from behind, gazing slack-jawed and longingly into the mirror but not in a good way. I screamed. I ran into the kitchen and got the pot of coffee and threw it at them, which I later realised was a symbolic gesture representing tarnishment, and I’m sure they did too. We all bear our scars and they are productive, and beautiful.

The universe always has a plan. Sometimes you need to ride it out and wait for what it is telling you about the plan, but the plan will come. The universe is clever. I learnt that it was all laid out for me like a detective story. It was like one those Greek or Egyptian myths where the hero has to solve the riddle in order to become a god.  I was supposed to learn some things, and here they are:

  • Emotional investment in other people will always cause you pain.
  • Trust nobody. The people it looks like you can trust are only there as a trick to delude you into thinking trust is possible. It isn’t.
  • So-called love relationships and friend relationships are equally abject and disgusting.
  • Sexuality is a trap, because it can trick you into loving people other than yourself, and that is a disaster but not the good kind of disaster.
  • Sexuality exists. There is no denying it.
  • Monks and nuns and gurus pretended otherwise but they were engaging in the gnostic practices I share with you today in secret. It is written in the akashic records and I accessed these late one night, meditating in the coffee-spattered murk of the bathroom in the dark days after the revelation having slept little and eaten nothing for a week. A vision came to me of a monk, tonsure and all, frantically masturbating as liturgical illuminations scrolled around the periphery of my consciousness with a tree of knowledge fruiting jizzing cocks radiating pure self-love and I realised that not only is God within me but that I AM God and that is all there is to it, and to deflect one’s sexuality away from God and thus myself is the worst imaginable sin.
  • Self-love is a sacrament.

Maybe I should expand on that last point. We cement our spiritual unity with sexuality. That is why it exists. It is a very powerful thing, the orgasm. It gets frittered away into bad practices and that means we lose sight of what is possible to achieve with it. The reason the orgasm exists is self-actualisation. It is true that there was a long period of reproductive sexuality in which it looked as though the function of sex was the proliferation of the human species, but they didn’t have orgasms then. They didn’t have souls back then either, and you need a soul in order to have an orgasm – a fun fact being that anorgasmic people are lacking a soul and this is merely a symptom of this deeper underlying malaise – and the phenomenon of the orgasm comes about only as people begin to develop souls, which is really quite a recent thing, as we leave the age of Pisces and enter the age of Aquarius. It is all about facilitating that cosmic shift. So, we develop a soul, and this is not a coincidence, just as the physical world around is in a state of flux and decay, as we enter the end times of the Earth. And the reason for this is that we are learning to leave the physical world, learning to leave our bodies and become higher order beings like orbs or angels.

So we have two things going on here: the end times and the transformative opportunities that they bring. The lie is that we can overcome the end times, that such a thing is possible, by being less selfish. That is what the fungoid tentacles of disinformation will tell you. Selfish, though, is such an interesting word. It describes something as it is – being self-oriented – but puts this not-so-subtle little negative spin on it. Be more connected, orient yourself to others and the world, they say, and you can end the end times. Imagine! No – we see our destiny and we throw ourselves heroically into it. We see the end times, and we fucking accelerate them. We live and we exist and we love ourselves and adorn ourselves with all the jewels of the earth and bodypaint in all the rainbow glory of the universe and some other colours too that we have not yet evolved to see in a beautiful sacred dance of the end times. We detach ourselves from the bonds of relations of all other things apart from their consumption. When we consume, we take something into ourselves. Our selves. And it becomes us. What could be more beautiful?

We have this tool – the huge spiritual opening of the orgasm – yet we still have this problem of sexual temptation from the Other. The term heterosexual is based on the premise that we are attracted to the hetero – the Other – and we must overcome this. It holds us back, it hurts us, it weakens us, and, ultimately, it kills us.

The key to this is to channel your sexuality exclusively into yourself. You need to make sure that you are using every last unit of sexual energy in your self-practice so that there is none left to be waylaid by the Other. Basically, you need to get good at loving yourself. And you need to treat it with all the seriousness and care that you would previously, mistakenly, have invested in exercising your sexuality on others.

This, then, is your goddess moment. You need a full-length mirror. You need to put on a full face of makeup, your greatest hot date look, no skimping. Your most sensual and exquisite clothes. You will need beautiful things: lingerie and jewellery and maybe even a tiara. Stockings. Definitely heels. A blow-dry is good. Whatever it takes to feel good. Do not fall into the trap of thinking you are OK as you are: you’re not. That is part of what got you into this mess. You are a goddess. Dress like one FFS. One of the very beautiful things about this practice is that by harnessing and building your own life-force and energy you will find that you get a lot richer because shit manifests. And without the distraction of other people, the life-sapping drudgery of maintaining relationships, it manifests as money. You will get very rich doing this. An advanced practice I will talk about in the future when you join me for the next webinar is how you can actually develop and use a sexual attraction to money as a way to take over the world. This is not a metaphor. You will get very rich. Quick tip: rub your nipples with spare change. Start with one coin, preferably the £2 coin as it has greater surface area and nice little ridges down the side and that will save you time. When you get good at this you can use notes but paper cuts to the nipple kill the vibe so I usually tell people to wait until their practice is solid.

I am not going to lie – it can be hard at first. We are taught by the co-dependent socialised socialist slave-loving society we live in that it is not OK to love yourself, that it is somehow even a bad thing to love yourself and prioritise your own needs and actualisation. This can be hard to get over. Being brainwashed like that is a really powerful thing. It takes power to overcome. Sometimes you may find yourself feeling self-conscious, but one of the things I like to say is that this is what this feels like. This is what it feels like when you are on the cusp of a true discovery, when you know on some deep inchoate level that you are peering deep into the soul of YOU and that, in that soul, you can see yourself peering into the soul of herself and in that soul there are infinite mirrored iterations of you all looking back – and forward – in wonder and hunger and joy. Orgasmic hunger and joy. And that is pretty fucking deep stuff so of course settling into it is going to take some time. Just work through it. Get there.

That will sound quite heavy for an initiate, something that you think you can’t fit in before work. Get real. You will have to invest in this is a big, big way. Make that time. Think about your priorities here, about freedom and slavery. You need to wash away all that dark sneaky desire for the Other and the only way to do this, to be truly safe, is to give it back to yourself. You need to carry out this practice morning and night and, preferably, in the middle of the day too. Use wherever you can – the rearview mirror of your car, the bathrooms at work – to make it happen.

So, then, you have your full-length mirror. Invest in this most important of symbols. Everything is a symbol now: curate them with due care. Meet your own gaze. Don’t be shy. Get right in there and gaze. Revel in your own gaze, maybe do a little striptease for yourself. Flash some thigh, some boob. If you are used to giving all your vibrations away to a man you may find the image of your own body unsettling. And it is. As I’ve said before, treading that delicate path between truly loving yourself and turning gay is tricky. It is a dance you have to learn.

Sex toys are fine. People ask me a lot about this, often with caution, as though I am going to judge them on it. Of course you can use a toy! Value yourself in selecting the value of your toy. Your toy isn’t just a toy. It is a ceremonial utensil, a sacred tool. Make it beautiful, too. Mine is handcarved out of amethyst by some very spiritual women who dig the amethyst up by hand using diamond-tipped shovels in a mine blessed by a traditional shaman in a remote tribal region of Uzbekistan. Harnessing all the vibrational energies you can get here is a good thing. Blessings are a good thing. Vibrations are a good thing. You are going to raise your vibrations and you are going to fucking OWN them, OK? These vibrations are for you. They are not going to be given out to the weak. You can use an actual vibrator if that is where you’re at. Vibrations are vibrations, in the end, just make sure it’s spiritual because if a huge veiny dildo is only going to make you yearn for the Other then you should probably get more spiritual and buy something with a purer energy like quartz or whatever. Quartz vibrations are much better for you than the fake battery-powered ones. They will elevate your practice. You can get ones that look like dolphins, and dolphins are very spiritual, which is great. A quartz dolphin is the most spiritual utensil of self-love available to womankind, and that is a fact.

People have messaged me asking what if they don’t like penetration. This is a totally valid thing to ask. I am on your side. However, be aware: not liking penetration is traditionally associated with lesbianism and as I have said, we all have to be on our guard, when renouncing love, not to fall into the trap of allowing – or enabling – same-sex love because it’s just as bad, if not worse, than traditional love. It’s sneakier. It may manifest as friendship first and catch us unawares. Those tentacles again, and I bet you’re learning to spot them now. If we are going to do this we are going to do this properly and we are going to do it right, and it means killing off the gay inside you that pretends it wants friends and deep down wants to fuck your life up by transmitting all your essence, your vibrations, your life-force to other people and giving you cancer and killing you. And, while we’re on this subject, this inner traitor gay and the needy desire for friendship are same thing, OK? Pretty much. Both are motivated by co-dependence and that is exactly what we need to kill. Kill kill kill. Don’t get me started on polyamory which, in fomenting a multiplicity of toxic loving relationships, will sap your vital energy quicker than any other form of codependency. Fifty-four percent of people in polyamorous relationships die of cancer before the age of forty. It is utterly tragic that they suppress this fact. It could have saved lives. All of these alternative lifestyles are traps, same tentacles assuming new disguises. Stay safe.

Right. You have your practice all set up. Maintain that gaze. I have a mantra I want to share with you: I am Love. Love is Me. I am Love. Say it out loud. Practise it now. Own it. With each stroke, renounce the darkness of co-dependency. Feel your separation from the crawling anthills of humanity. Feel your spirit rise above the squalor of it all. Engage your rage and hatred for other people and things and use that heat, channel it into your lower chakras and feel it radiate up through your body. At the moment of climax, the world can burn around you. All those things you held dear, those people, those attachments – they can burn too. Feel those treacherous ties finally subside. Isn’t it exquisite? They no longer exist. There is only you, the beauty, the sanctity, the reverence of you. There is only your God, which is within you and is you. There is nothing else.

Nina Lyon is a writer and lives in the Welsh borders. She is the author of Mushroom Season (Vintage, 2014; runner-up FT/Bodley Head Essay Prize 2013) and Uprooted (Faber, 2016; Roger Deakin Award 2015). She also writes academic stuff about Lewis Carroll’s The Hunting of the Snark, sense and nonsense, and late-Victorian metaphysics. More info at and @ninalyon.

Image: passion, Claudia DeaCreative Commons