1.

sunwhite glimmer on distant water · peninsular crag slopes toward teal sea

*

streels of salt vapour chase you up the wharf · no name in your head · only panic urgency · eyes neither right nor left · only on · seeking homelight · long clatter of steps · up over around stone steps · limestone passageways · narrow canals · some old skull whose eyes’ cold blebs long ago wept themselves gone down skinless cheeks

*

ship’s pitching all the way here left a void in your head · blessedly impossible to think · bad weather · engine problems · novel idea thank god neatly strangled at birth · so imprecise so labile · an infant’s blepping · better off · sat there watching all velleity cloud apart

*

shore’s tarry searocks · pitted · shinylooking · felt lobsters’ feet pick over stomach’s pink satin floor · rip-rip · cool stipply brush of antennae · ticking back · forth · fixing to munch

you in your crusty white shirt · salt’s oyster patterns · dried on the collar · in the old car smell of that leather jacket you curl up in · quietly jubilant when you’ve been accorded a couch-corner wide enough to doze in · peace-dizzied · lapped in apey peace · nothing in hands · nothing in pockets · gone in dream of clean mausoleum coolth of an apartment where after some apt span of years padding slippered across parquet · you might die · indoors · unmarred ·starvation swapped for boredom · war for mall

2.

seeking low stone home in which to sit · islanded in own private gloom alone at table of blond scrubbed wood · reading for god’s synapses in crinkled mauve predawn clouddrift · windvane’s cockerel spinning like a propeller · hard gold spangles

but of god’s synapses · zero sign

*

your using years long gone but still ached for · old hubris · how crossing through border scanners with your one-kilo manuscript · electric tickle of play-pretend tinseling the ribs · as though smuggling through a · bomb · like Freud at the prow · bringing the plague

using years · powder to get awake · pills to keep speed up · whiskey to relax · something else to crashland · every level perfectly blent · dip rise cruise · pure cloudskim · all serenely highspeed · air cold on fingertips · as though fingers now suddenly dripped magic · thick slaver of bluey sparkles · unimpressed by anyone else’s soul-wrestles · not too tough to do · plus you always lose

*

walking shadow wavers over quiffs of frozen snow · on amid bluish dark over cobbles under arches via galleries · these vaulted ceilings · so craquelured · so sallow · so skullish · long coat swallowtailed out · clop of steps · riversmell of time

*

recall then against your will fireplace of childhood · fled to when your mother howled · struck you

3.

coral fossils in black rock bulwark ridging beach · muscular white striations · a page of stone · page that fights with own writing · stone too a calcification of transience · nothing more · sand blown away the moment it blows in · fossil writing · quick stipple · lichen asterisks · yellow scribbles of scutch · trace blotted almost fully away yet still shivering on · interleaved helices of gleam · tideline of long-gone lake · million-year-long lap and clap

all history palpable from looking at fireplace of childhood · whole story · bare stone wind wind creases along · long hissing serifs · sand · gravel · pollen-thick dirt · bared steaming karst bared by drying of lake · salt reek · land catches in the stones’ pores · trees come · trees grow · trees burn · all that ancient sedimented time now smoke

*

where all the shouting at home came from can’t tell you · what can be told · how forehead rumbled · how boss of skull rang · when laid against washing machine’s glass door · behind the glass · howl and gurge · mother locked me in with that noise · as punishment · even locked in · heard mother’s long howl go on · on · my hand fingered my throat · thought larynx snapped · that apple she’d flung · thought it’d done for me · but no · still can utter · this fibrous · stertor

*

never any other sound ever since

4.

when mother’s long howl stopped · crept to living room · laid forehead to cool clean gleam of fireplace · what the stone told me · mica flecks · grey red yellow sparks · meteorshower streaks · deep red jasper · silicious fleckings · opaque rinsed galaxy swirls · what history legible there · nothing only the great going-away of it all · all would go · only wait · and all will go · all will be stone’s cool mineral peace · equal in temperature to the bones you will be

*

out in fields once in a way sunk chunks of eskers · quartz glitter · granite nubs · cattle nudged and nosed bases · grass there thick on different minerals · a different pungency · a different tang · perhaps · nobody ever asked · all killed now anyway · dragged weeping to the killing sluice

*

maybe too cows felt eldritch oddity · stray stone dropped continents away from where glacier calved · maybe too cows felt in hooves · in marrow · in fluid of their knees · that grind crunch creak shudder-roar · ten storeys of ice shunt overland · chunks nameless till humans · those words seamed · veined · twisted · candied with salt · with calcites · hard gnarled Alpine words · feldspar gneiss hornfels schist · unimaginable music of pure damage · perhaps cows too felt all this · who ever asked · who ever listened · who ever did anything only kill

5.

before there were cows · and humans to kill them · here once was an ancient ocean bowled in craggy granite rim · whitish scallops · rays as perfect as suns · immense snails · shells tall as cardinals’ hats · crinoid urchins abob on anchoring stems · sea-lilies · rich neon laggings of algae · the moan-song of coral · squid armoured in long tubular shells the tint · the hardness of chimneys · all this · million-year-placidity · nowhere peace · till some lurch of temperature · some atmospheric veer · corrugations crumplings tremors · undone then

*

agentless catastrophe · hecatombs so immense · so body-ravaging · too big to blame on anyone but god · perhaps why god invented

*

such annihilation · fishkills · bivalve wipeouts · sufficient to render all victims of such suffering forever innocent · since what crime ever could merit such punishment

*

volcanoes’ flabby lipsputter · abyssal muds · history’s speech · lipflap as of infants · blep blep blep * then · what · granitic magma cooled · crystalline pockings · shell-life · annihilated bones · stone pores catch again millennia worth of plant-spores · cyclonic winds · needling whips · enough to flay skin clean off · pine-green

*

then began the age of winds · brown shreddy gusts · stems whip · stones hail · brown cumulonimbus furls · dissolves · wind’s immense boom and roar · this all written in green full stop dot printed in stone of fireplace · beneath thumb

age of winds that blew no good · only humans · their own undoing · their quarrying · chiseling · unresonant sugarbright tink tink echoed over hills and far away · hammering · selling · seam gone · time burned · turned to dust that parched · mills that coughed · cash that sent aldermen’s kids to limestone-walled schools echoing with ocean-wash · chatter · the percussion of · correction

6.

forehead still pressed to cool gleam of fireplace · body still ashiver from mother’s long howl · ran finger over coin-glitter · zinc · iron · lead · felt again vmud-dark sand · hot · dank · black · sea-level forest · swampous bubble-pops · reedclumps · gleamless unshivering black pools

*

forehead pressed to cool gleam of fireplace · better to cool pores · still bodyshiver · be myself · gleamless unshivering black pool · treackle-thick

*

precious little life left in me · tenacity only · stubbornness · how a bone holds on · how a rock · how a dead elm · that black shock of nervature against rinsed empty page of sky

*

if to kill were feasible · would kill · for different metaphors

*

history · a howl · an alternation · solidity · then nothing · land · water · land · no advancement · only · apparent solidity · whipped apart in great howl of atom storm

7.

out in wind’s whetted freshening edge under white air amid bare poplars like geysers · that much becomes clear · history as screech · tenacity even beyond desire for tenacity · dug-in · an elmroot · a nervature sunk in gravelly earth · in scree of ancient hecatombs · that battening-on · a plant will do this · a cow · a stone · a shape that holds · that scatters

*

but never scatters that far · read again · atom writing · in marble fireplace · see again · starstreaks · fossil life · green full-stop of long-gone forests

8.

worse dread than dread of oblivion · dread that nothing is really ever over

*

hear again hear again · seashell hecatombs compacted in rippling layers · their sunderings · their separation one beloved bivalve from another · in clink of shaly bank beneath boots · shallow rattle · audible there · tropical lapping · long-gone ocean · the sleepy peace · bivalves open · shut · watermutter · riverwater · lit helices · lattices · those flung reflections · blue of that air · now gone · gone · but stuck · here yet · here in the millionholed knuckles of ash-tuff · the scarrings · the igneous blastings · traces of all ruin remain · scraubs · the insane consonants of destruction · the land · the stone · the water · the immense fossil seen once in a museum · nameless loom of shadow · ‘S’-curve of it · fishscaled · immense immense · ripple of spine · eye-sockets · sinuses · all photographed by the quake that smushed the great fish · so Biblically horrent with spines · against dark rock chunk · printed the corpse into the stone · made of the fish · a poem fixed in stone · a poem that shows nothing only a fish jinking panicked underwater · attempt to make good an escape · slammed flat · smushed for beady eyes to snack on a million years on

*

and so far from home · this rock chunk once · once at sahara latitude · old red sandstone · windcombed peacefully forever · then dislodged · shunted · slugged by torrents · over time twinkling velveteen nap of turbidites became its cape · lush illegible teem followed · pure tangled fertility going nowhere · black branches · thighs of roots · alder-reachings · moss-clad · rosetted in lichens · gulfing past · galaxies of foam · rich in all a plant needs to grow wild · profuse · enwrap itself in great orgy of slick limbs · called forest

9.

stroking green dot caught in marble fireplace of childhood · felt ghost of old forest · saw in head how long canes grew · how stems winked · glittered · mica glint · their syrupy seepings · how at a great height snapped · fell · more grew · snapped · fell · piled into isosceles formations · tipped with canes that grew feathery tufts · immense altars · sleepy gods · amid the rivers · the dreadlocks of some meditating god · all steamed at peace in green mist for a time · this too felt · read in the fireplace · the black mirror · forehead pressed to cool marble · waited · with stone’s cold patience · for mother’s long howl to cool from skull

*

same game now · alone in night cool · scry dark for god’s synapses · wait · for long howl · to cool from skull

10.

but sometimes too up · out · try tire out howl in skull · booted feet trot clop trek · lone · coated · burn in calves · burn in hamstrings · thighmuscles smoke through fabric of pants · wood soles clop on hell’s-hob-hard cobbles · cracked vault · old-skull-colour limestone · colonnades · columns · porticoes · on · on · till nothing solid anywhere · nothing only cottony flocculence · lit fog

*

and sometimes too · forest · snowed nowhere · birch arcade · vanishing point · pure fog page · blue dark that reddish branchtips caress · reddish branchtips that pulse · flush · in gusts · alveolae · coral under waters of long-gone lake

11.

then home · what passes for home · lorn lone cone of black lampshade · spill of light on blond scrubbed wood · frays of steam knit shut · turn light · opaque

*

then when home · whole road there · returns · retold · in sting · in throb · in pulse · of sore hamstrings · of sore calves · of thighs so sore they all but smoke through pants · see all again · hear all again · the tick tick tick · the clop clop clop · the fog page · the birch arcade · the whtish serif of gravel road · the land pocked here with empty windows of tumbled folly · there with great moaning rents of tumbled monastery · mosscoated stone · shrooms sprig up from halfrotted fenceposts · decay too an extant thus unstillable form of life · even eyes shut the pictures won’t go · no true exhaustion possible · the tick tick tick · the clop clop clop · the walking feet · the ancient lake · the heart’s unstillable thup · thup · thup

12.

hear again mother’s long howl · each clause I speak · her howl shunts through · worst interruption in th world · I speak · she stabs · blond stem of scrubbed wood · hear I · feel wood stem · shoved through I · hard enough to splinter any potentially utterable clause · I splits · bag of throat · bulges · rip-rip · pink satiny bag · bursts · the splintering · the piercing · the larynx · buckled in two

*

can’t outrun the howl · even in snow’s quiet · see heel print · banjaxed punctuation · scuffy commas · weak streaky full-stops · the leavings her howl makes of my speech · comma · dash · long scuffings that go I I I I I · but get no further before · cut off · splintered · shoved through · throat then so stuffed with splinters that all that comes is a faucal · gargling · as of drain · that can’t run · clear

13.

the piled snow · the whipping white noise · the heaped blank pages · the black scribbles of leaf trash · let me be all of patience · sit here storyless · waiting on · god

*

me and my lone nighttime chargings give feel of being in a film even if the film is only about going back in out of a cold gone out into of your own volition because lone lorn cone of glow on teak of table simply too much of a gut itch to bear one single hour more alone

*

what pictures come during lone nighttime chargings except the headcinema others also have · beloved warm smells · childhood air · ecstatic tangle of longlost beloved bodies had again all at once · ah · orgiastic immensity · jumble · of tumbled · statuary · what else · yes · that hope yearn standing on school’s back step · peering up at pure pale blue · glitterbellied plane · lit needle fraying out pale smoke behind · same tint tenor velocity · as hope uplift in chest

14.

better home · what passes for home · alone · with no stories · not even irish ones · not one about aching love discoveries whilst at summer camp in ireland’s humid midge-loud west · not one about that one weird kid who came to school not with lice but with full-on insects in his hair · not one about the kick up the hole so hard i thought the foot had gone in my rectum · not one about the sadness · the tightness of the kitchen · at the home · of the one who kicked me · the scorched almost-maps legible in his mother’s lino · no short story about an older couple rediscovering the deeper thrum of love holding them together well beneath the flashes of their earliest sex · no short story about christmas reconciliations between friends · one a returning migrant · another at home but aching for elsewhere · under sable night air tart with petrolsmoke · pocked all over with the snowdust of distant stars · no short story about ordinary adult day whose ordinariness x-rayed · shaken · by the fact that this ordinary adult day is · shock horror · the main character’s unnoticed birthday · no short story of ordinary quiet desperation · breakfast · school run · formative traumas shaped out in the whorling bubbles of 11am coffee · no collection of daughter · no dinner cooked for other half · no bins out · because i have no daughter · no other half · no bin · pasts fester in bins · symbolically · yes · but also · for real · no short story where landscape practically a character in itself · what place can hug · love · text you back · no short story concerning frostbright illuminations of love · of forgiveness · hard and sudden · through clouds of anger · separating · say · son · from father · or · say · daughter · from · plot twist · mother · no short story about initials etched in a table’s underside read many years later as premonitions for the flaws slowly opening over the course of an entire fucked life · yes · fingertips run · over dustchoked crosshatch · bullshit notion · were i to find such writing · i’d pry apart the letters · i’d fibre the wood · i’d leave only splintered · field · tawny square of ruin where letters once were · read no signs · no short story about hours-long lengthening silence atwixt couples · this is what i’ve wanted forever in a couple and never found · nobody will ever stop their jabber long enough to simply meditate the calligraphy of dust in a slow throb of light · no short story about sleep coming slowly · about late-night coughs and twistings · restlessness · sudden wakings · sweat-wet hands · i despise autobiography · no short story ending on a film director · whitebearded · suited · in a lifering · watching the wrecked ship behind him sink · great pile of lights · into vantablack waters off cóbh · no closeup on his undoing of the lifejacket · no description of him sliding beneath treacly surface with last look at smoky clouds · their formation · their ebbing · like unto the soul obviously · no · no such short story · all i wanted was the image · i wasn’t bothered with the wreck

*

no · no story · only setting · only walking · a walking dreamed while alone under lorn cone of light · black lampshade · scrubbed blond wood · chin on hand · second skull · pressed cool · fleshless · to forehead · the better to cool away · all ache to remain warm · live · pinched dry scent of dead skull · scent as of dried lakes · scent coats · bone doors of sinuses · these open · eyes see then in skull’s · emptied eyes · fractal intaglio of bone passages · limestone-beige · alleys · cracked vaults · porticoes columns colonnades · molars become hell’s-hob-hard cobbles

*

till this too becomes too elaborate a dream · funeral procession of a great wooden ear stuffed with crumpled newspapers · bowler-hatted skeleton · slow mournful salsa · beat synced · inevitably · to drip drip drip · somewhere high up behind liver · the thup thup thup · the tick in my throat · the heart counting down · to the nothing left · to last exalted · hiss · of dehiscence

*

such utter crap · relief to feel dehisce · see vanish

15.

no · no story · no landscape · too broke to be here · story said to me · too broke to be here · landscape said to me · then every other story · every other landscape since said same · too broke to be here · now what · here · in what passes for home · storyless · under electric light · blue glow on street’s long beige moan · wait · for sign of god’s synapses · in vantablack of air

*

but of god’s synapses · never any sign

16.

lone daylight totterings too · the odd time · through parkland · past broken stumps · some old god’s legs · stringless lyres · headless necks · neckless heads · upcast handless arms · eyes forever agog · mouths forever ascream · tumbling folds of marble cloth · myth ephemera · good for a nighttime gleam beneath moon or what little of starlight can transpierce counterglow · but by day all mosscrawled · timenibbled · climbed back with caught grot · glit · glar · all that burned time caught in the air · coal charcoal coke motor oil

*

worst of all aspects to this particular viacrucis · its sheer slowness · dereliction’s glacial · pace · such slowness the true pity of it all · were collapse all at once · clink of brick on brick · all masonry fouldered down · the shuk-shuk ashsift as of embers from coal trowel gritted against bottom of firegrate · tipped out for wind to catch · such sounds yes mercy but no all a low inaudible · creak · forever · deep · in the stone of these bodies · in the hollows of the bones · slowly slowly apart · one molecular layer at a time

*

at dusk released from having to look · pallor of day · nothingscape of trees · falter slowly forward · the burn in the legs · the burn in the calves · the smoke of the thighs · then afaint afar away over there sun at last blessedly fades out in · haze

*

comprehend in that the word · serenity · know peace

17.

confess here to sick love for rumbling mumble of biro boring away on notebook laid atop whorled stippled teak · confess mumbling rumbling burble slowly soothes all away

only in the smudges · smoorings · smearings · that hand’s edge leaves on blond scrubbed wood · can be captured · slow squoosh · ruinous mush · into which we yes all of us time’s leavings are finally crushed from view · a big blot then a drag then an ebb

hear in that my one true autobiography · born fucked grew fucked lived fucked died fucked bunged in box fucked burned fucked

then be nothing only a cough of ash let sift down over pale flinders of gravel

but at least so long as nocunt inhale tart noxious bang of my ashes perhaps then an end to it

though perhaps should somecunt inhale tart noxious bang of my ashes then i become their problem or they incarnate either way i pray another get damned to take my place while i take my place in nothing

thus metempsychosis

all over then or so one hopes

merging into · emerging out of · biro’s boring mumble rumble · pure seam of unknowing · such gloomy molasses

like unto that lovely ooze of the gravequag · oh that spitty plosive sputter · boots sink · hear the sputter and suck · lovely · fucking lovely

*

day smokes itself out in the light · let all understandings miss

18.

my loudest curse yet on finding void is no warm dimness · but in fact cold brightness · at best a mist to ease back in · gaze at best a fog to console soul · at best a gauzy · feel · of release · into cloudy · motility · no longer agitant · perhaps · if still also not quite nothing

in that not quite nothing · several dozen visual and sonic data · colonnades columns porticoes vaults · remain · but permuted with deliberate redundancy · till these too · crumble · to flinders · the beige of limestone · or of old · skull

*

but still going · that fleet little rattle · little panic steps · skullchatter · headmutter · and the howl in the midst of it all · even here · alone · walking in the dimness · underriver odour of ancient sunken stone · clunk of footsteps on hell’s-hob-hard cobbles · rinksmooth beige of limestone flickerlit by amber spills from homes not mine · what thing more deeply needed than a window looked within from without

19.

mother’s remembered howl · loud as all fuck today · infrabass rumble turned guts to goop · had me scarper to jacks · alcoholic junkie shit bucketed out my hole · espresso-dark puke out the other end · all words whether said or unsaid deluge out this way · eyes shut forehead to rim of jacks bowl · shards pucks caught in spincycle · o to run downstairs · o to beat noise from skull · o to hammer head against doors’ glass till the smash · o to rowel wrists on sticky-uppy glassy bits · coat points with gore · skin flinders · leave treacly blood all over the shop · be gone · leave nothing only tatters for some other poorcunt to clean up · nobody cleaned me up alive so now you can start now i’m dead · rinse me · box me · burn me · mill me · post grits home for scattering · show you fucking care for once · release my little ashcough once and for all

then last dunt of migraine · last shaking of guts · alone at last empty there above the shit before the puke in the dark · head ringing · empty · silent · death that will do till real death comes along

*

white moon sets whitening wave below · relief to set thus · therewith · but not for us

grey light of day over reawakening coastline · grey light on grey pages · heaped drifts · mind’s yatter sinks into silent mindlessness · all around · faint sourceless luminosity · through window · black water · unshivering · still for now · under encroaching · light

20.

what formative trauma might you like to hear today · father stuff perhaps

tink and rush of hail · pale haildunes rise in the drive · father’s car crunched down drive · turned off ignition · sat · awaited hail’s cessation · umbrella forgotten · eyes blank watched my father’s blank eyes watch white hail fall · up then · worked on laceless DCs · they take your laces at the hospital · case you hang yourself · laceless tongue of DCs slopped about · tripped me · nevertheless grabbed brolly · jogged through slush · sleet stung cheek · clean air’s tang high in sinuses · Da saw me · opened door · brolly held out for him then over door · galloped with him then back to the house · snare-rattle of hail on umbrella’s cloth · under the gable · stopped · watched hailmush pile past hubs of his Passat

—Snooker on yet? he said

—Nearly I said

—Class he said

—Thought I’d miss the start he said sitting there

hail came down hard · lacerant · stung backs of hands · in we went

once he and his brother dropped a sponge cleaning their father’s prized Humber Sceptre · biggest car on their terrace · intercostal white of mortar· muscle-tint of brick · as though all the houses one body · glommed together

painstakingly every weekend my father · his brother would · clean this Humber Sceptre · hose · sponge · toothbrush· ducts of windscreen wipers · scalloping of the hubcaps just right

once · though · father dropped sponge · unknowing · left it coated with a nap of gravel · at first stroke of sponge over paint · great skirl · paint scraped · flakes stuck to gravel chips

mouths agape · eyes agog · my father looked at his brother · his brother looked at him

a single scrape to the paint would mean a beating of unholiness hitherto unknown in that terrace of redbrick houses a single scrape · both would be beaten · so both dunked sponges anew in the gravel · set to scraping the paint with a will· I cannot tell why · my father said · I cannot remember why · sometimes when I remember it’s rebellion · destruction· might as well be hanged for a sheep as for a lamb logic

sometimes when I remember · my father said · it’s less calculating · more panicked · we were trying to make the damage one texture all over · so he mightn’t notice · or might appreciate the new paint job · who knows · fresh peeled silver beneath the teal

impossible to know · my father said · impossible to recall

we didn’t get far into the process · my father said · before my father returned · saw our sponges halt in their circling · their scratching wordlessly your grandfather my father lowered his hands to his hands · then stalked across the yard to a loop of cable hanging from a nail hammered into the pebble dash above the hose

this loop of cable · my father said · we watched him wind a hand’s length around his hand to do as a handle

he doubled the cable into a thick whip · he put us on our knees in the gravel · red pain then in the skin of the knees

taste of the air in my father’s nose on his knees in the gravel · the sugar-beet factory · the chimneysmoke

his father · my grandfather’s · hand · down hard on his nape · push his gaze forward · down

I don’t remember what we said · said my father · I don’t remember how we protested · I don’t remember if we protested · I don’t remember what we sobbed · I don’t remember if we sobbed · I remember only · the feel of my own eyes wide in my head · his whipping · our howling · how no neighbour came to see · to stop

the scraubed red of their backs · long comma-shape gouges· whitish glisten of bared fat in the cuts · bits of bloodstuck fluff · whipped-to-shit shirts· fluff bits my father his brother picked from the sticky jam red of each other’s scraubs · pained insuck of breath

the howls · icy current· compulsive course · on and on · again and again · around and around· enough to flitter open a skull· let all leak

—Good shot · my father whispered · watching the snooker · Good shot

outside up piled hail · ivory cairns · dirtspecked

having heard his story when quite young grew up forever ready to hear a whipdrag in the drawn-back flung first syllable of reproof · reproach · reprimand · rebuke · to fear flayings · hard catch of consonants · studs · sharp nubs lodged in · swung leather strings

grew up knowing · too · how contrary intractable postures of defence got you only so far · how best of was to leg it · be a scut-tail heeled up vanishing under a hedge

on the telly the snooker balls glided · clucked

—Beautiful· beautiful· cooed my Da

—Beautiful· I concurred

outside hail storm fell still· left only · ghostlight · in the birches

*

is that irish enough for you · you stupid fucking cunt

21.

sat lotus once on the bed me and my notebooks and a steak knife · looked at wrists · looked at pages · said aloud · It’s you or me · filleted pages from covers · grit-grit-grit of knife sawing · twine snapped · cottony page-scuts caught in the serrations · eel-thin strips piled up · greyish · slutted · ashy · tamped the lot into a bucket · stamping them down · big tape-hiss sound of all that paper fighting my weight · tickle along bare arches of my feet · stamp stamp stamp till flattened at last · till not one any longer uncurled · then under the showerhead with the bucket · showerhead up to the max · Jungle Rain setting · phosphor seethe of water· paper dimpled · blistered · softened · burst · tore· ink coming off then · tiny fine cursive of that runoff · nervatures · capillaries· kicking · stilling · whitish clots of glue rose · fatty look to it · grey silence pulp turning · returning · sat there · watched · chest pumping · waiting for the quiet · but none · nothing only · patter · trickle· tap-tap-tap · ink drops flowing · dropping · collecting on paper folds in black puddles · the shiver of their ripples · an unstillness

*

said to the pages · Will you never shut the fuck up · voice so tight · so shaky · as though throat still stuffed · with smushed wood splinters · still and now and always

22.

smoky winter dark · predawn gloom · lead hood of cold cloud low over low hills · massed cloud’s rippling corrugations tinted mauve orange lilac · feathers clap through in magenta nowhere · perhaps now · will weathervane spin · scalloped gold tail of rooster · oakleaf-ripple of crest · glitter · flung spangles · bright bright · against smoky winter dark · will it · please · end · that whole year of winter when · having fled · never came to land · never felt · any thaw anywhere ever again · only · long howls · long alleyways · sting of sleet on red of cheeks · only flitter of fleeing shadow amid crumbled colonnades · tumbled columns · porticoes · pocked with weeds · that sprouted · died · left black stragglings everywhere · vaults · slowly opening · along their own predestined · flaws

and a fog · a fog amid snow

nothing is really ever over nothing ever even starts holds coheres nothing a flicker two flickers three four at best but no conflagration only flicker shudder ember cinder billow ebb

blued stone slick gullet of raingreased alley of stone that dives away from the main thoroughfare

and since then nothing the light has gone out and will not return no sound only the breath no further word since then nothing nothing only formless gleams

no more time only on as though through a skull whose infinite chambers are without end colonnades columns porticoes the vaults this plate that chamber this sinus ringing clatter of breath along this or that fossa canal passage chamber the limestone beige of these inner chambers the limestone beige of an old skull the limestone beige of this city that is no city no city is anything other than a whole load of old holes held together by walls till these too shatter no no city is anything other than a skull winds that never cease

23.

in the white gaps between the talk i shiver awaiting the next shiver of the talk

as fucked to say nothing as fucked to say something as fucked to feel at once both and neither

at such times hard not to pray for skull to ping from neck skim silent and very high through infinite nothing a tiny bone satellite see the speedblur of the stars

inner vaults through which winds blow without cease this fossa that wing these cribriform stipples pontillisms this process that fissure these foramen that hiatus this fossa this canal that tremulous crest this passage atwixt two other tight tightening passages no names left here only the lure of the formless gleams that pull me back in again

formless gleams as of roadside shrine greenlit condensation-mapped rocket of stone and glass praying statue within amid leaning tombstones glimpsed fast in passing from a car at night

thus beckoned on every time by comfort spotted in gulfing nowhere dark comfort craved yes though none will do still comfort beckons steadily on nevertheless luring me on after formless gleams

24.

amid the columns colonnades porticoes · under the skull-coloured vaults · shin-deep in gold flocculent light · the howl · the clop · the tick tick tick · the throat abulge with splintered stems · the sky a cool marble · fireplace · streaked all over · with history’s hectic · scribbles

starsprent vantablack of night sky watching the towers of pale light in the black air slowly swap tints become towers of black in pale light of air · all this watched · in seasick hope · of god’s synapses · there · in the mauve ruck of clouds · in the golden cockerel · spinning like a propeller · atop a distant · spire

*

but never any epiphany ever

*

but never impatient with him i call god · oh no · never · no · not even in the loudest of all · howls

---

Tim MacGabhann is the author of the novels Call Him Mine and How to Be Nowhere (Weidenfeld and Nicolson, 2019 & 2020), the memoir The Black Pool (Sceptre, 2025), the short story collection Saints (Scratch, 2025), and the poetry collection Found in a Context of Destruction (Banshee, 2026). He lives in Paris.