ANONYMOU[S] is a brief series of texts submitted, read, and published anonymously, with the agreement of the author not to reveal themself.

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Condition: Death of the father

Procedure: Laparoscopy to examine damage incurred by parental remnants. Minimum of three surgeons attending. Patient need not be horizontal but should be at ease. Recovery times vary

Risks and/or side effects: Standard grieving, morosity. In extreme cases nothing at all

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Condition: Malaise of the mother

Procedure: Damp flannels should be applied. News from the outside world should be fed through the window. Sleep should be encouraged, but not enforced. Traditional remedies may be considered with input from the family doctor

Risks and/or side effects: There is little physical risk to the patient. However, the psychological toll on the rest of the family can be immense. Children in particular should not attend to the patient alone. Having a photo to hand of the mother in healthier times may ease their suffering

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Condition: Shattering of the childhood innocence

Procedure: Innocence may be rebuilt through skin grafts, or else removed from the body altogether. The former is suitable for young patients; only a small quantity of skin is required and can be borrowed from the more hardened heels. In the case of the latter, gentle taps with a toffee hammer are effective in breaking up particles of innocence that refuse to yield

Risks and/or side effects: A full psychological assessment should be undertaken before proceeding with surgery. Wrongly-applied grafting can lead to stunted growth and emotional repression, whereas premature removal can lead to episodes of adult naivety

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Condition: Cessation of the short-term relationship

Procedure: Local anaesthetic. Patient should remain hydrated and communicate with their parents weekly (if the parents are not available then the patient should be referred to a specialist unit). A cold compress may assist in the early stages. Recovery times vary but symptoms usually subside within weeks

Risks and/or side effects: Too much anaesthetic can lead to dependency. Patients should be encouraged to heal naturally. A clean bandage can have a placebo effect

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Condition: Cessation of the long-term relationship

Procedure: Heart-mollification, sentiment-extraction or memory-washing. Going cold turkey is inadvisable. A small team should oversee any operation, preferably at night. In some cases a lawyer’s presence may be necessary. Sutures should be allowed to fall out when ready. Rehabilitative therapy is often required but can be deferred

Risk and/or side-effects: Some candidates for surgery never recover

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Condition: Death of the childhood pet

Procedure: Several days of silence are advised. Non-verbal weeping is permitted. Nil by mouth for the first twenty-four hours. Old blankets that retain fur or scent of the animal may be donned. Chewed toys should be placed on the mantel. After the silence, memories may be shared

Risk and/or side-effects: Procedure not suitable for goldfish, hamsters or guinea pigs

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Condition: Cessation of the common humours

Procedure: Rib adjustment is effective in many instances, although the procedure remains illegal under some jurisdictions. A common substitute is bone-clacking; an archaic, if still valid remedy. Younger surgeons will not have been taught this method. A senior clinician may thus be asked to attend, although reference to a textbook should suffice

Risk and/or side-effects: There is still a great deal of stigma around the condition. Surgery should be discrete and undertaken only during twilight hours

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Condition: Loss of the faith

Procedure: Fever will be present: the patient should be allowed to sweat this out. Corporation juice only. What will be will be

Risks and/or side effects: Small chance of cross-contamination. Quarantine is unnecessary but bedside visitors must take their chances

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Condition: Rediscovery of the faith

Procedure: Patient may find themselves speaking in tongues. Some proselytization may occur. Mostly patience is required

Risks and/or side effects: Risk of estrangement. Dissolution of the rare humours

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Condition: Fear of the long-term future

Procedure: Corrective blinkers can be temporarily attached to prevent the patient looking too far ahead

Risks and/or side effects: Blinkers must be worn only for the prescribed period, lest the patient develop total future-blindness

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Condition: Fear of the short-term future

Procedure: A short, sharp shove from a trusted other

Risks and/or side effects: Results not guaranteed. For this reason, said trusted other should be not too close

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Condition: Cessation of relationship with a trusted other

Procedure: A parley-making or peace salve may be applied

Risks and/or side effects: Should not be used as a response to a failed treatment of a fear of the short-term future. Instead, a quarantine of indeterminate length should be observed

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Condition: Emptiness of the soul

Procedure: No known procedure. Effects must be simply lived with

Risks and/or side effects: Too dark in here to tell