Don’t laugh when I laugh, it’s too obvious; don’t speak to Helly, she’s a slag; don’t speak to Aubrey, she’s Helly’s friend; Nathan told Ed who told Jackie who told me that he likes South African girls which must mean you, so give me your MSN password and I’ll turn him off you; shave your legs, and don’t let them grow longer than three days; wear a bra, you don’t want your bare nips exposed in the changing rooms; take more pasta, you barely eat anything, we should fatten you up; is it really true that your parents don’t give you pocket money? Here’s 5 Dirhams, get us some snacks from the tuck shop; and hold that for me, people can’t see me with Doritos; steal your moms cigarettes, but only take two or she’ll know, she already hates me; don’t drink too much beer, but if you throw up, do it in this toilet and my maid will clean it; don’t worry we can be loud, go on, scream, no one will hear us this side of the house; mint works like a laxative, so take 4 leaves after lunch, 2 after dinner; let’s call Chrissie Chow Mein so that she doesn’t know we’re talking about her; is it really true that you used to read harry potter at breaktime? This is how to make cookie dough, with butter, sugar, flour, and more butter; this is how to eat it out the bowl with the wooden spoon; this is how to use the other end of the spoon down your throat; this is how you use bleach and brine to get it out your clothes and mouth, don’t mix them up; put these earrings in your bag, and walk, pretend you’re on the phone, and meet me by the Pinkberry; tell your mom to take you to the mall, and bring mittens for skiing; tell your mom to fetch us at the Palm; tell your mom you’re staying at Anna’s tonight, then well take a taxi to Shisha; delete that album off Facebook; sneak out and tell Shaun and all the EC boys to meet us by the playground, and bring whiskey from your dads hatch, we’re playing spin the bottle; is it really true that you don’t have an ensuite? You should have sex before your first period, that way you can’t get deported; you should not tell people you don’t have a period; write on my wall that you can’t wait to visit me in Sweden; like my new profile pic; here’s 250 dirhams, get us something lacy from Victoria’s Secret; this is how to kiss and this is what shape your tongue needs to make; don’t speak to Anna anymore, she goes to JC now; don’t speak to Jade anymore, she slept with Jeremy; don’t tell Chrissie we aren’t speaking to Anna or Jade; this is how much toilet paper to stuff in your top, but don’t forget to flush it before you start snogging; this is how you move a penis, but remember it has to go pointy first and then you can touch it; don’t let him touch you straight away, keep moving his hand away, he’ll like it; use this device on your cellulite; here, take these sunglasses and keep moving, meet me by the Gucci; fold up your skirt but only after morning registration; do well on the math test, they’re choosing sets for GCSEs; is it really true you don’t have an iPhone yet? Don’t pass out in the taxi, Joe’s sister was taken to the police for that time she was drunk after too many breezers; this is how you walk with a tampon in; don’t tell anyone about what you saw.

Jenna Pfeifer is a PhD student studying the effects of technology on Youth Loneliness. She is a columnist for the TU Delta, and also writes poetry and fiction. Substack: https://jennapfeifer.substack.com